Some advice for Garet Beal, Russ Bartlett, Martin Ouellette…

Tourney Week, state championships, NBA all-stars and trade deadline, late season college hoops team fighting for March Madness spots, MLB spring training and hundreds of players dreaming of playing in the bigs, the NHL 48-game sprint to the playoffs, Daytona 500 time…and time to play “If I were…”
If I were…KEVIN GARNETT:  I would simply say to reporters ‘no, I will not waive my no trade clause for any trade. Period. End of story.’ If you really do not want to leave the Celtics just say it. You seem to be leaving the door open slightly when you say ‘ I hope to retire a Celtic.’
If I were…GARET BEAL:  I would make sure to take the time this week to enjoy everything surrounding Tourney Week. The business of Division I sports will come soon enough. Enjoy this magical time.
If I were…EVERY TOURNEY PLAYER:  Ditto. Enjoy the moment.
If I were…JOHN FARRELL:  I would make sure I’ve got a big supply of Goody’s Headache Powder. Ask your buddy Tito.
If I were…GARY BETTMAN:  I would thank my lucky stars that hockey fans are hockey fans. It seems all is forgiven from the NHL lockout. Full arenas, increased TV ratings. You are a lucky commish that your fan base loves its sport so much.
If I were…RUSS BARTLETT:  I would somehow bottle the passing skills of this year’s team and use it as a model for all future teams. I can’t remember a high school team that passes the ball so well, so unselfish.
If I were…RYAN BRAUN:  I might make sure I’ve got legal representation close at hand. I don’t know about your possible PED use but you got by on a technical issue last time and it seems there are still some unanswered questions.
If I were…MARTIN OUELLETTE:  I would hold my head high. He really has done a great job in goal for UMaine hockey. What if the Bears had just ok goaltending?
If I were…BEN CHERRINGTON:  I would be looking for more first baseman help. The Mike Napoli hip injury thing is scary. Lyle Overbay-please. Daniel Nava-double please.
If I were…PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL:  I would go back into my hole. I’m not happy with you. Ever since you said we would have a shorter winter all we’ve had is one blizzard after another.
If I were…ANY COLLEGE HOOPS TEAM:  I would not want to be a bubble team and hear the words “one of the last four teams out” from ESPN bracketologist Joe Lunardi. (By the way, Joe’s got Stony Brook winning America East and getting a No. 14 seed)
If I were…THE NFL NETWORK:  I would make sure my tape-delay system works during the Oscars coverage if you really plan to use Rob Gronkowski as a red carpet reporter. Just sayin’.
If I were…FELIX DOUBRONT:  I would have a serious look in the mirror. After getting a chance to be a big league starter with the Sox last year you show up in Fort Myers out of shape? Shame on you.
If I were…KEVIN YOUKILIS:  I would feel weird wearing pinstripes.

ITEMS FROM THE DUFFEL BAG:
– Quinnipiac continues to be college hockey’s top PairWise Ranking team. Isn’t that somethin’?
– I think UMass-Lowell joining America East is a good thing…Hey guys, how about adding football?
– OK, be honest, did you crank the neck to the right coming up Dutton Street to see the new Cross Center as you arrived for tournament week?
– As Blue Jays manager John Farrell had his players be very aggressive on the bases. Here’s hoping he does that with the Sox, too.
– 92.9TheTicket tourney coverage continues all week long. See you at there!