Handing out some special holiday sports gifts

I’m feeling good these days and I’m ready to hand out some special holiday gifts to some sports people on my list. (This is just between me and you — don’t tell these folks about their gifts ahead of time!)

To new UMaine football coach Joe Harasymiak: A new t-shirt that simply reads on the front, “It’s Hair-a-SIM-e-ak.”

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To all in Red Sox Nation: The 2016 Bill James Baseball projections book. I know 601 pages is a little much to read, so just check out the page on David Price: 17-8, 3.03 ERA, 223 Innings. The Nation will take that.

To all high school athletic administrators and referee assigners: No snow days for the rest of the winter.

To Boston Celtics coach Brad Stevens: A special coaching pass that allows “One Free Temper Tantrum” when your team doesn’t want to hustle some night. Go crazy with it. Get yourself kicked out of the game. Just one note on this — can you let me know ahead of time? I want to make sure I see this one.

To New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick: Another special coaching pass that allows “One Free Let-Your-Hair-Down Press Conference.” You stand at the podium and start cracking jokes, one right after the other. Any style: Louis C.K., Jerry Seinfeld, Hennie Youngman, I don’t care. Just one note on this one, too — can you let me know ahead of time? I don’t want to miss it.

To Roger Clemens: Enough votes to next month to punch your ticket to Cooperstown next summer.

To South Portland’s Brett Brown: A few more Philadelphia 76ers wins.

To the Portland Seadogs: A center fielder named Andrew Benintendi, a second baseman named Yoan Moncada and a pitcher named Anderson Espinoza.

To UMaine women’s basketball coach Richard Barron: At least two special days on January 16th and February 14th, the two AE conference games against Albany.

To Red Sox coach and Maine’s Brian Butterfield: A manager’s job after 2016. But only if you want one. I’m more than OK with you staying with the Sox.

To Patriots QB Tom Brady: A healthy lineman. Make that two!

Merry Christmas everyone!